Hard on myself?

People who know me best and love me most say I'm too hard on myself.  Possibly, but I don't want to go through life casually assuming I've got it all together when I don't. I've always said if you want to be a good liar, the first person you have to convince is yourself.  The rest comes easy.  When it comes to my relationships, especially my relationship with the Lord, I do not want to be blind to the things I do, say, think, or believe that grieves Him.  I especially do not want to go blithely through life believing I am being the Christian God wants me to be. I don't want to live in a house of cards.

Yes, I know there are many Scriptures to reassure me of His love for me, in spite of my faults. Philippians 1:6 says I can be confident that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

I am well aware of the fact that I will not be as much like Him as I can be until I see Him. I John 3:2 says that when He appears, we shall be like Him.  I know that.  I also know that I'm capable of fooling myself.

Ravi Zacharias' message this morning on Malachi sobered me, as did Andy Stanley's.  Stanley's message was about letting go of the hurts that have occurred in our past.  Pardoning people who have wronged us.  I think I've done that, but there are times I have to force myself to change my viewpoint.
His speaking of people whose lives seem so smooth and easy is what convicted me.  I feel like most of my life has been in emergency status.  That makes me wonder if I am fooling myself.

Malachi 1:2 says, "I have loved you," says the LORD, "but you ask, 'How have you loved us?"  Verse 6 says, "If I am a master, where is the reverence due me?" says the LORD Almighty.  Verse 8 says, "When you bring blind animals for sacrifice, is that now wrong? When you sacrifice crippled or diseased animals, is that not wrong?"

We no longer offer sacrifices, but do we bring the sacrifice of praise into the house of the Lord?  How often is my worship half-hearted or insincere?  How often does my mind wander off to other things instead of focusing on what the pastor believes the Lord has shown him to tell the congregation?

The late Vance Havner said more lies are told over a hymn book than any place else on earth.  Do I truly mean the words I sing? Zacharias quoted someone this morning who said in the Christian's life joy is central and sorrow is peripheral.  It's the other way around in the unbeliever's.  Sometimes I feel like Eeyore.  Always seeing the negative side of things.  I don't want to be like that.  I also know I have been wired to be a conflict thinker, so some of it comes from the fact it's a part of my nature to see the possibilities of disaster.  If that's from the Lord, I need to accept it and move on, but if it's from a sin-sickened attitude, I need to repent.

The upshot is that I'm headed to church this morning, seriously thinking about my own spiritual condition, longing to truly worship the Lord as He deserves, but well aware the my sin nature will battle whole-hearted worship.

It didn't help my attitude as I watched the debate last night.  I sincerely hope the rest of them are  not on Saturday night.  I wanted to tell about all of them to get over themselves and grow up.  My husband is right, Ben Carson is about the only one who deserves our vote and respect.  I got so sick of the rest of them calling each other names.  We don't know anyone's heart.  Only God knows that, so quit the accusations and start talking substance.  I went to bed with all that chaos rolling around  in my mind and woke up this morning with the knowledge that truly worshipping the Lord was going to take an act of the will. If I want to have that joy central in my life and sorrow peripheral, I have to get past remembering the nastiness of the men who want to be the leader of this country.

I have to remember the Lord is Sovereign and He will choose our leader for His purpose.  He chose me to be in this world at this time for a purpose.  Lord, let me fulfill that purpose, regardless what it is. And enable me to worship you in spirit and truth and joy this morning. You are worthy of that.