Surrender

I quit.  Surrender.  Kaput.  Whatever you want to call it.  Every time I sit down at the computer in an effort to find an agent who will assist me in publicizing my books, I get frustrated with the computer and my ignorance of it as well as overwhelmed at the professional world that I don't even know how to open the door, let alone walk through it.  As my mother would say, I'm in the wrong pew.

Earlier in the week, something happened on Facebook that so tore me apart, I realized I just don't fit in this world anymore.  I'm not willing to be as mean-spirited as I've been accused of being.  There's no disagreeing with some people or they start a fight and I refuse to go there.

It reminds me of the time I was babysitting for two grandchildren of a colonel.  The four year old boy was recovering from pneumonia and being cooped up for a week had him well wired for trouble.  His two year old sister was sitting on my lap and he was beside me while I was reading a book to them. She reached across me and just touched him with her finger.  Just touched him.  He hauled back and punched her in the mouth with his fist!  With his fist!  In her mouth!  I was so shocked, all I could say was a reproving, "Oh, Honey!"

You'd have thought I had punched him with my fist.  He went into an immediate rage, literally screaming, "I'm telling my mother you beat me!  And, she'll believe me!"  I didn't doubt it.  Shaking like a leaf, I went to the kitchen and fixed their lunch, all the while listening to his pent up rage because I disagreed with the way he responded to his sister's touch.   I fixed their macaroni and cheese a little differently than their mother and they loved it.  After lunch, they went down for a nap. With great trepidation, I watched them approach me when they wakened from their naps, unsure if the bombs would continue to explode.  He didn't say a word.  In fact, he was quite loving.  Mom returned shortly after and all I said to her was that he was unhappy with me for a little while before lunch and a nap.  His grandmother told me later about the macaroni and cheese.

Do you see what I'm trying to say?  We are simply not allowed to disagree with others or they go off on you.  Everyone is so angry.  Since the subject I write about is in direct opposition to the current PC, I realized I'm not equipped to deal with that kind of combatant attitude.  As we age, we wise up and simmer down.

Is that cowardice?  I don't think so.  I began my Bible reading in Romans yesterday and the first chapter of that book makes clear what God has to say about sexuality outside of marriage-straight or gay.  If people are going to revile God for what He's said, what makes me think I can convince anyone to pay attention to Him and His Word?  That was Biblical confirmation of my decision.

Then, when it came to seeking an agent, the criteria for taking on a new client is so far above me, I'm not going to waste their time or mine.  One said to have a new, bold idea.  The example she used was a couple who were tired of child-rearing advice from 70 year olds, so they wrote a book about Gen- xers  advice for rearing children.  Wonder how that's working?  I'm 71, going on 72 and I'm trying to gently share the good news that God's way is best when it comes to sex and I'm stupid enough to think 20 somethings are going to believe me?  That's not working for me!

Publishers and agents are in it for the money.  If I want to be paid for my writing efforts, I need an agent and a traditional publisher.  I don't fault them or resent them for that, but I also am highly intimidated by their criteria.  If taught, I'm sure I could run with them, but I'm not and they're not going to take the time to teach me.  Give it up.  Move on.  I'm not by any stretch of the imagination sorry for the past year.  It's been an adventure I'll cherish, but it's light's out.

Having said all this, I also have to say this is not the first time I've quit something and the Lord said, "NO!"  The first time I recall was in Hawaii.  One of the chaplains was our Sunday School teacher.  He did NOT believe Revelations, mocked it in every way he could.  It was disgusting.  As he stood there pontificating, I thought, That's it.  I'm out of here.  I'm going back to the church on the other side of town.

But, the Lord said "NO!  You stay right where you are.  I have work for you to do."  Shortly after, a woman came from Campus Crusade for Christ who's Bible study changed my life.  After months of her discipling, I had more work in that chapel than I thought possible.

The second time I recall was at Moody Bible Institute.  I'm sure I mentioned before that I returned to college at the age of 45 and graduated 2 years later at the age of 47-exactly 30 years after high school graduation.  I'm a late bloomer, so sue me.  Anyway, I was in chapel, listening to eulogies of the six people who'd died over the summer. It began to embarrass me to realize that, as a grandmother, I was attempting to live the life of a 20 something.  I told myself to grow up, act my age and get a job. Again, the Lord told me to keep going.  Again, He brought about vital life changes.

I had peace the instant I told the Lord I was quitting as of that moment.  That was my first confirmation that I had made the right decision.  I also said I was willing to continue if that was His will for me, but...    I will continue to stay in touch via this blog and Facebook, but emotionally and physically, I cannot afford to continue to search for agents and traditional publishers.  Financially, self-publishing, which I really liked, is prohibitive in cost.  Somewhere along the line, I read the statistic that self-published authors get a return of an average of 8% of what they've invested.  I'm doing a little better than that.  I'm at about 12%, but it's too rich for out blood to be a hobby.

Sometimes, the Lord allows us to struggle until we come to the end of ourselves, then He takes up the issue and brings it to fruition.  Would I like it to be like that?  Absolutely.  I love to write.  Been a passion all my life.  And, I truly care about people who've messed up their lives and want to change. How will they know that the Lord offers an even better life if people in the church are not living it? At the moment, it's Soyanara, I quit. Surrender.  Kaput. No mas.