What was that?

It started more than 15 years ago.  My abdomen would jump like I was late in pregnancy and the child in my womb was very active. Trouble was, I was in my late 50's and several years after a complete hysterectomy. (The doctor took so much out, I can never remember what all he did take.) I would forget about the jumping abdomen-until it happened again a couple of months later. I just hoped it never happened in public. I was sure I would die of pure humiliation.

Over the years, however, it has happened in public.  The first time was at school while I was working with a boy.  He laughed, not because he was making fun of me, but because he was startled and perhaps a little nervous. The number of times have increased dramatically and the severity has increased as well. In 2007, I finally found a neurologist who said if he couldn't find the problem, he'd find someone in the country who could.  We were impressed.

His news, however, was not what we wanted to hear.  My spinal cord has been damaged and the spinal cord fluid that is supposed to protect the cord has flowed into the opening, forming a cyst, called a syrinx. There's nothing that can be done.  If surgery is done, 33% of the time, nothing changes.  33% of the time it does stop, but 33% of the time it gets worse, including the possibility of paralysis.  At this point I'm having dozens, sometimes hundreds of tics a day.  Some are minor, most are severe. They can also be noisy.  Ever have someone slap you on the back and shock you to the point you yell?  That's what happens to me.  Sometimes they take my breath away and cause me to grunt.

The first thing the doctor said was that anything could trigger them.  So far, I've discovered that stimulants trigger them.  No chocolate or coffee or caffeine. Fatigue causes them and they, in turn, cause fatigue. Stress causes them, and they, in turn cause stress. Lack of sleep causes them. Change of weather causes them.  A severe rain storm the other night brought on a severe attack. Most of the time, they just happen for unknown reasons.

Several medications have been attempted, but all have failed. Perhaps they've failed because they're seizure medicines for the brain and my problem is in my spine.  They work for a short period of time and then the tics begin to increase and the medicine actually causes the increase.

The tics themselves are not painful, but they are debilitating. The fatigue hampers me physically.  I can't get nearly as much done as I would like to do.  I can't exercise because they increase.  It is emotionally exhausting.  When they get especially bad, I have no control over my emotions.  All I want to do is cry.  They are destructive socially.  If I have them in public, people are startled and ask me if I'm OK.  Then, comes the assumption that I have Tourette's Syndrome.  I feel compelled to explain what's going on and to say "Don't feel sorry for me." I told one friend if she did, I'd lose it.  Wrong answer. My answer needs to be that it's a sacrifice of thanksgiving. But. rather than endure people's kind attempts to help or to feel sorry for me, I tend to stay home more. It really is a boring conversation to talk about your ailments all the time. Spiritually, it's draining.  Studying God's Word and praying are harder to do because concentration is harder. Inability to concentrate doesn't do much for thinking, either, thus compromising my mental processing.

Luke 2:52 says Jesus grew "in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man." I'm doing none of that.  What good are they?  I've been anointed and prayed for and I have not been healed.  How can this situation possibly bring glory to God?

At the moment, I'm reading Elizabeth Elliot's book, Passion and Purity.  In Chapter 13, "Material for Sacrifice," she states that blessings we receive from the Lord are to be shared, not selfishly kept to ourselves.  That makes sense.  If God gives material blessings, we are to share with those who have needs.  But, how in the world does that have anything to do with what I'm going through?

Perhaps it has as much to do with my tics as it did her saying goodbye to the man she loved and who loved her.  They were unsure they'd ever meet again or marry.  At that point in their relationship, Jim was sure God wanted him to remain single even though he loved Elizabeth and she loved him.  It was a painful situation.  And, yet, they saw this as something God wanted them to go through.  They were willing to endure the pain of loneliness for the glory of God.

Those who think God only gives good things will not see my tics as something good. Nor will they see that I have not been healed as something good.  The comments I have received from those who feel that way have indicated a lack of respect and understanding.  Somehow, I'm not spiritually where God wants me to be.

What I know is that God understands and He's allowed this situation in my life for His glory.  E.E. said when someone complained of loneliness she'd tell her to give it to Jesus and the woman would not understand.  E.E.'s answer is spot on.  Giving it to Jesus is the only answer.  It's a sacrifice to Him and He's totally worth it.

No, I'm not always smiling or grateful for this affliction.  In fact, this morning, on the way to Wal-Mart, I was crying out to God for the help to endure the situation.  But, that's what brought the peace! Perhaps that's the point.  When we are desperate, we turn to the Lord. When things are going smoothly, same may think they don't need the Lord and might even be rather smug that they're not suffering like other people do.  God's blessing them because they deserve it.

I often quote Psalm 119:71.  "It was good for me to be afflicted that I might learn your decrees." And, I often quote Sarah Young. "Do not recoil from afflictions, since they are among My most favored gifts."  Understanding that affliction is a gift from God that I might learn from Him truly is a blessing.